Home Is Where The Heart Is

This blog is going to be different from the rest. Let me wear my heart on my sleeve for just a little while. Very serious and very real.

They say that home is where the heart is, right? I finally know the real meaning of that. Back when I first met my girlfriend that January 7th 2008 she told me she was from some place called the Philippines. I was clueless as to what or where it was. Never remember reading or studying about it in school or even catching something on the news. I wasn't even sure if I ever had heard of this mystery land before. I was curious. That started my reading and research. I read everything from places and holidays to language and climate. The more I read the more this place seemed like home. That was far before my girlfriend and I were ever official.

Let the months pass to October and we're finally dating. I was cramming my brain more on information and the language. I was trying so hard not to be that typical ignorant, asshole, American. The Philippines had an ever stronger grasp on me now. Even before we got together I could see myself there with her. Now we're together? It was no longer a thought, but a longing.

Fast forward more through so much heartache, struggles, and drama. We have now known each other two years. Been dating for one year and four months. It's February 10th 2010 and I am on a plane headed to the Philippines. I had no idea what really was waiting for me on the other side of the world. I've gone through immigrations and am on my way to meet my girlfriend for the first time. The first real time. I'm pulling my luggage behind me and staring intently at the ground before my feet; too nervous to look up. I heard a shout and as a natural reaction my head lifted. "KACE!" She perked up on her feet and waved both arms in the air at me. I guess my nerves really set in there. I managed a smirk, half wave, and a hey. Got my luggage on a cart and as I walked next to her pushing it I felt an arm around me and her weight pulling me down as she stretched taller, cupping her hand to my ear, telling me how I look even better in person. I shook my head and stared more intently at the ground. We got a taxi and went home.

March 1st is upon us now, the day my return ticket was set for. I had told her just days after being here that I couldn't leave her when the day arrived. It was just hours before I had to leave to catch my flight. I had nothing packed and I just clung to her, pouring my heart into her hands. I couldn't leave her, but my visa expired just the next day. Suddenly it was morning and the plane I was supposed to be on had left. By that time it was already over Canada. Neither of us could really believe what we had just done since we didn't know the outcome. I was lucky enough to get my visa extended to April 10th.

Today is now March 14th. It is decided that I will leave right at the end of March despite our plans for me to stay here until June and fly back to the states. Neither of us can manage me staying here until then.

Now I know the true meaning

Home is where the heart is...

My heart belongs to her. She is my home.

I never thought that love was real and if it was; love was never meant for me. I'm very much a believer now. In my life I have never felt so strongly about a person. I have never been more certain of how my life should be. I have never wanted something more badly in my life. I have found my life. I have found where I belong and I can't, no, won't let it go. I am hers before I am anything else in life. I will stand up to any person that tries to get in our way of having a life together. I'll look them right in the eyes and I won't back down. I don't care who it is; if you are standing in my way, I'll make you move.

But...

I am so heartbroken that I have to leave her behind here. Heartbroken that this life I have with her is only temporary and I never know when I will see her again. Not knowing the next time I will wake up happily in the morning next to her or fall asleep with her at night. The life I had before this is like a distant memory to me now. Going back to that is devastating to me. Here I am; my soul and heart and finally whole. I have found where I belong. I have never felt more real, alive, happy, or proud in my life than what I have felt for a month and a half. Life has never made more sense to me. Now I have to have both tore in half and shattered about because I have to leave it behind? I'm sincerely and honestly devastated and heartbroken. I can not live a temporary life. I need my life with her to start now, but I don't know where or how to start it. How can I ever be ok with leaving my life and love behind? Especially without guarantee.

My life is in the arms of my lover. In the eyes of my best friend. It is the only place that feels real or right to me. The only thing in my life that has ever had a path to my future. I am crazy about her. I am deeply and madly in love with her. When I see her I see my life and my future. I can't stress that enough. She is the most amazing person I have ever met and I feel very privileged and proud to call her mine. Nothing in the world can compare to the feeling of what it is to love her and be loved by her. There is nothing in the world you could bribe me with that would ever cause me to leave her. While I love her now, and forever, it is without regret that I do so. I wouldn't trade a second of the past two and a half years for anything.

I won't speak for her feelings on anything; that's hers to do. Those are her private thoughts and emotions.

I know that this is very selfish of me to feel the way I do right now, but being in love is entirely selfish.

Here I am sitting alone in a dark room... devastated, lost, confused, and heartbroken. I know what I have with her is only temporary. I need a permanent solution to fix it all. Permanent in the sense we can both have a home together some place (The US, Philippines, or Canada) without one of us having to leave the other for an unknown amount of time.

Now, let me end this on a very pathetic note. I need help. Where do I start? What can I do to make our lives permanent? I know that money is always a first step, but I honestly have nothing now. I wish that "I know someone who knew someone". Someone that could really help us get a good start together so we don't have to keep splitting ways. Someone that can help her get a job in the US or Canada. Someone that could help me get to stay here in the Philippines. Someone to help out financially. What do I do with the pocket change I have? How can I save? I am already planning to sell off some of my personal things. (If you are interested let me know.)

What can I do? I need advice, help, money (savings), people that can get us going.

Thanks for reading and leaving feedback.

Take care.






~I love you more than I love life. I value you more than I value my own life. Being with you is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and continues to happen to me. Every day that goes by you amaze me more and I fall deeper in love with you. I never expected someone like you would fall into my life and make my life. You are my sanity in this twisted world of madness. You're the anchor that keeps me grounded. The soft reassuring voice in the darkness of my worries and fears. My reason for living and breathing. The reason I see the sun rise and fall every day. The reason I always work to better myself. I feel as if I were created for you and you were made for me. I was made to love you and do whatever is in my power to make sure you get what your heart desires, that you succeed in life, you are happy, and well taken care of. You became the key to opening my heart. All the unpaired puzzle pieces I held locked away were spilled at our feet. I seen yours spill over on top of mine and watched as they meshed together to create a future that belongs to us. It will be bound in our hearts and by two rings lovingly placed on each other's finger. It will be bound by the vows we pass from heart to heart and soul to soul. Forever doesn't begin to describe how much I love you and eternity is not even close to the time I want to spend loving you. It is without regret that I love you. It is without regret that I give my heart and soul to you. It is without regret that I give you my all. It is without taking you for granted. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone and I live my life making sure every day is treated as the last. Making sure every day you feel what you mean to me. Making sure every day I never fail to tell you I love you.

Mahal na mahal kita baby ko.

Extension

Well, here I am my flight left on Monday, but here I am still. I need to yet rebook my flight. I'll probably get that done tomorrow or the day after. The Delta people said I have a week to rebook, but I don't want to procrastinate on that.

I just got back from the agency a bit ago and they have my passport. (Talk about procrastinating) They are currently processing my visa extension (I got it rushed because today is my last day of my visa) and I should be able to go pay and pick it up tomorrow. The price isn't bad for going through an agency and having it expedited so that it'll be ready in one day. I'll just be waiting tomorrow for the lady to text or call and say that it is ready to be picked up.

I had originally tried going to Intramuras last week. We took the MRT to the LRT and there to old Manila. When we got off of the LRT and started making our way around to get to immigration I had a bad feeling about it. We got close to the bridge we needed to cross to get there and she stopped dead in her tracks and started saying it was getting dark and would be too dangerous for me to stick around there any longer. I was pretty confused considering it was still light out and wasn't gonna be dark for a while, but nonetheless I left with her. We took the Jeepny out of there and went to Luneta Park and caught a Calesa and went over to the boardwalk. I really liked sitting there by the water and munching on some ice cream and talking. She got balut and the vendor was freaked out because she was going to eat it with me there. It made me laugh that he was freaked out when I could of cared less. I had a couple of little kids sitting next to me and the one called me a guy... he thought I was her boyfriend. I was amused.

After sitting there for a while we got up and walked along the boardwalk and stopped at a couple vendors for drinks and peanuts. Haha. Tried finding us a taxi and then gave up on it so we walked over to Star City. Yeah, thats right... walked. Haha. It was fun goofing off inside of there. Rode a couple of the rides, played a few games, and went into the 'winter wonderland' thing they had. I was laughing to myself at all the Filipinos that were freezing. When I got inside I opened up my jacket and was about to take it off, but my gf got cold herself and wanted to leave. Went out and messed around a bit more before we headed home. Ah, before leaving she stopped at one of the stalls inside and bought me a Philippines jacket. I haven't been able to wear it yet coz of the weather here, but I'll find a reason to. After the lady gave it to me I thanked her, but for whatever reason I said something like 'Thank you po'. I am still baffled on why I said that... I didn't intend to say it... and I wasn't even thinking it. Haha!

Thats just what has been going on with me this past week/weekend. I'm sorry I haven't been updating... just been enjoying myself too much here to even have the time to write. Well, drop me some comments here. Suggest some places I should eat at, see, visit, whatever in Manila and where ever!

Take care.

Pre Flight

I am gonna try to keep this post pretty short.

The last few days I've had quite a bit going on. I had to go out shopping for a couple things. Then had to go back shopping again because what I was going to do for her parents, I can't. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to. I honestly feel a bit disappointed in that. The other day I went out with my uncle coz he had to pick up a few things. I bought something else for her parents. A bag of Reeses, Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate Kisses, and Hershey Milk Chocolate Kisses. They better like chocolate. Hahaha. Yesterday I did all my packing except for the few last minute things I gotta get done. Tomorrow... ok, today, I have to clean my room up real good and rearrange furniture. My back is already acting up from stress, laundry, running around, not sleeping right... tomorrow and my flight won't make that any better. Haha.

This very well might be my last post for at least three weeks. If you want to keep in touch with me just leave comments or get me on my facebook. ( facebook.com/ambi.kace )

Take care everyone.

January Stress

As January 23rd comes to a close I'd like to reflect back on January 23 2004. It is very hard to believe that it has already been six years since Ryan and Vanessa left us. Gone, but not forgotten. Sometimes I find myself still in disbelief that you two have passed. I still reflect on the last time I seen each of you at school. The last time we spoke. The both of you were really good people. I hope you're resting happily. I'll try to make it out and visit the crash site and pay my respects again this year.

I guess it has been a while since I updated here. I haven't had that much to talk about. The death of my friend drained me from wanting to do much of anything lately. The other day I went out to the pool hall with my friend and a lot of other people that were friends with Zach (along with his father). I think getting together like that helps to make things a little easier. I know it isn't a cure, but it is a help. When I walked in it I felt like I should see him standing there. It felt empty upon the realization he wouldn't be. It was an alright night though. Played some music on the jukebox, watched people get drunk, and play pool. I hope I'll get a chance to be out another night with everyone before February.

Speaking of February... and I'm not sure if I can be so safe to talk about this yet, but I'll give it a mention. I know some know already, but I've been a little busy getting ready for a trip I am going to be taking. I only have sixteen days left to get everything finished up with. That involves and not limited to getting clothing fixed and ready, doing a little extra shopping, gift shopping for the family, and making sure everything is an order. Not to mention STRESSING over meeting the parents/family. Swear, I'm going to be a puddle of nerves by the time that happens. I've already started to get a few things together; gifts, toiletries, paperwork. Oh the joys of stressing over doing something like this for the first time. Thankfully the majority of my family doesn't know what I am doing... that I know of. That would be another lovely obstacle to work around. The family member, my aunt, that would really be the one huffing and puffing over this has quit talking to me since she knows I'm gay. One less thing I have to worry about though. Haha.

Since I don't have much to say here I'll leave off with a few questions...

1. Where would you love to travel to?
2. What kind of gifts should I bring to meet the parents/family? (Filipino family, fyi.)
3. Any suggested items I should take with me?
4. I have nothing else to ask so, you ask me?

I'll see you all around and I'll try to update again before I go and maybe once I get there and settled in. Take care!

Rest In Peace, Zach

I received news this morning that a friend of mine had committed suicide. I found out through his girlfriend who is one of my closest friends and means a lot to me. Currently, I am still in shock and disbelief that this really has happened. They were really good together. A nice couple. Zach was a really good guy too. I am very thankful that I was introduced to him and was able to spend time over the last two years getting to know him. Those are memories I will keep with me for the rest of my life. I wish that I was in a better state of mind to write about how incredible of a person that you really were. I know that I will be seeing you again some day soon. We can have a beer and play some pool because if I remember correctly I owe you one. Watch over everyone here as they grieve and get through this very difficult time. Especially your girl. I know she really misses you and feels lost with the thought of you being gone. You really meant a lot to her as well as many other people. We all will miss you. I love you.

Rest In Peace, Zach.

EDIT:

This has been being passed around FB and other sites and I want to get it out here. It would mean a lot to me if everyone could pass this on. I think that this should reach out of the U.S and go on an international level. The showing was just today and the funeral is set for tomorrow morning.

IN ZACHS MEMORY ON SATURDAY HIS MOTHER IS ASKING EVERYONE TO DO A RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS B/C WE ALL KNOW ZACH WOULD. THIS IS GOING TO BE POSTED ALL OVER THE U.S IN E-MAILS NEWSPAPERS AND INTERNET POSTS SO PASS IT ON... IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO HIS FAMILY B/C WE ALL LOVE AND MISS HIM SO MUCH

Day Of Shopping Madness

For the record; I really dislike shopping. I have never shopped this late for Christmas and I realized how much more I dislike shopping at this time. The crowds and lines are crazy. Not to mention the selection of things.

So, I slept about three hours last night and got up at eight to shop. Didn't get home here until about 8. It's currently about 5am. So, yay for lack of sleep, right? Went into our little town to do bank and grocery stuff before I headed out with my grandparents for a full day of shopping.

First up we stopped in at the dollar store to pick up a few things. I managed to get something there for my father and his wife. As my grandma was looking at some things Hot by the Wonder Girls came on my ipod (Thanks Pam.) and there is a part of the song in the dance where they do, what I call, the 'butt wag'. I backed up to my grandma and started doing the dance. She started to tell me to stop coz people were watching. (Like I care?) It embarrassed her, but she laughed. I always do this stuff. She got used to it.

Also, Bo Peep Bo Peep by T-ara came on my ipod and the first time I heard it... instead of hearing 'Bo Peep, Bo Peep, Bo Peep' I heard 'Fuck me, Fuck me, Fuck me.' It came on my ipod while at the store and I had my grandma listen to it. Her jaw hit the floor and I cracked up telling her 'They are saying Bo Peep!'.

Hit up the mall after that. I went in while my grandparents went and did their thing. Fought my way into Hot Topic to look for some things. I spent a while in there browsing over the shirts. Apparently it was buy one novelty T and get one half off. Guess who got a Christmas prezzy? Haha. I never get anything new, so I am pretty excited to have a new JTHM shirt. Picked up something for my bro there too. I swear it took me forever to get something for her. Got in a long line and paid.

Bounced out of Hot Topic and headed to Borders.I never realized I could spend so damn much time in that store. I started out looking for a DVD for my girl. Which, they didn't have and also costs $23 to friggen order. Then somehow I went to look for the Gay/Lesbian section and they moved it on me. So, I had to go ask this guy and he was like 'Games? Those are over--' 'No, gay and lesbian literature.' Then there was a bit of an awkward moment and he pointed it out. I was very, very disappointed in Borders. Their Gay/Lesbian literature section is bare. It used to take up two full book shelfs. Now it just takes one and the bottom three are just with the cover facing out and spaced a few inches apart. While I was browsing over what little they had this group of boys went back and loudly stated 'Ew, gay and lesbian!' and ran away giggling. I just rolled my eyes at them and went back to my business. I was very happy to see the Gay and Lesbian magazines in the store. They had The Advocate, Curve, and LOTL. I browsed the pages on those before wandering elsewhere. Then I wandered to the travel section and look at the Asian travel books. Somehow ended up in the foreign language section and in line with a Tagalog book. I was shocked to see it was there. They never have anything Philippines related. I acted like someone else was gonna take that book (there was only one). Which was kinda dumb coz I know that wasn't gonna happen.

As I was on my way to the restroom in Borders I seen these two ladies sitting at a table taking money for a kitty shelter. I dug all the change out of my pocket and dumped it into their little bowl. The one lady's face lit up and she exclaimed, " That's so nice of you! Thank you, sir!" I just grinned and told her she was welcome. Before I left the bathroom I dug a dollar out of my wallet and gave that to them when I walked back by. The lady's face lit up again and she started graciously thanking me. I wonder if she was making up for the gender confusion?

Went across the street from the mall and into Barnes and Nobels yet again looking for the movie for my girl. Which, it cost a whole $25. Darn foreign movies being so expensive. I ended up flipping through the CDs to see if maybe I could find something. I did, but wasn't sure. I ended up passing that up. Browsed over the manga section seeing if anything interested me and then walked to the other side of the store to the Gay/Lesbian literature. Barnes and Nobels owns Borders when it comes to that. They had a really good selection of Fiction and Non Fiction books. I seen one that really got my attention and I flipped through. It was called HerScopes: A Guide To Astrology for Lesbians by Charline Lichtenstein. (I love astrology, fyi.)It was a bit freaky how true what it said about my relationship pairing was. It said that my sign is the worrier, the one that works at home while the partner works at the office, affectionate to the partner. Then when I read the reverse it said my girl's sign to mine. It said shed tend to be in the office with my sign at home and also said she'd go out for a night without ever bothering to contact her partner and let her know.. leaving her partner up all night worrying. I got a few weird looks for being in that section but at least no one said anything. I should of checked their magazines too. I forgot.

Somehow I ended up in the craft store with my grandma coz she was looking for a small Santa hat for a doll I fondly call - 'The Bride of Chucky'. As we walked past one isle I stopped coz I seen a kid walk by that I knew and I thought 'Tony?' out loud trying to remember his name. Well, my grandma decided to -yell- 'TONY!' He turned around and I wanted to smack her. I barely ever talked to this kid when I was in school. He was like three grades ahead of me. I told him we had math class and sat next to each other. He asked my name and I told him and he went 'Yeah, I remember you. You got a totally different style now!' And just sorta started talking about how he likes how I dress. I think he was hitting on me. Ayy... We talked for a few before saying bye.

As my grandma and I rounded the back of the store I seen a friend of mine (Ok, my ex's brother's wife, but those are just mere technicalities). I went up and hugged her and we got to talk a bit about how things are going. She remembers me by the damn good fudge I made them for Christmas a couple years ago. It was one of the first things she said to me. I hope thats a good thing. Haha. She said she reads my blog updates to hey, shout out to Jaimi!

I also started doing the 'Hot' butt wag in the store and my grandma kept telling me people were watching me. I did it to her one time and it scared her and she yelled. Some guy turned around and sorta started laughing.

Ended up at Best Buy and bought my girl something that I now have to return after waiting forever in line to pay for it. Haha. Turns out it isn't what she was so interested in. I'll just get my money back and go invest in something else. She is the most impossible woman to shop for, I swear. She never talks about things she wants, likes, or even hints. When I try to ask her she refuses to give me any ideas. I thought up an idea and talked it over with Pammyboo a bit. Seems like it's an ok idea, right? I hope... Haha.

In the next couple days I gotta get back to the mall, Best Buy, and a couple other of our stores to dig up something for my girl. S I hope the store has everything I have in mind for her. I might be forced to re-replan if not. Shopping for her could be the possible death of me. I wrote quite a bit, dang.

Something I recorded for my girl a few days ago.

1234... I love you



Now that Christmas Eve and Christmas are so near; what are your final plans on how you'll spend it? Did you get all your shopping done early or are you last minute shopping? What's on your wish list?

Oh, hai thar, sir!

DuAce Thanksmas

Thanksgiving has been over for a while now and I've had a few people ask for me to write about how that went. It wasn't very eventful so I have been putting off writing until I had something else to say.

The night before Thanksgiving I was in the kitchen with my grandma making all the sweets. She had already cooked a cherry cheesecake pie and a pumpkin pie before I got started. I ended up making brownies and lemon bars. I had started the topping mix for the lemon bars when my grandma realized my grandfather hadn't gone to the store like he said. So, that left me with a mix I had to stir for about a little over an hour. I was very thankful when he came home and I could finish that and the pumpkin pie. It was interesting trying to cram everything into the refrigerator after. Thanksgiving day I got up, ate, and then took a nap on the couch while my cat laid on top of me. Woke up and watched television with my grandparents. They are totally obsessed with that show 'Ghost Whisperer'. I've watched it a few with them and it is sorta interesting. Anyone else watch?

Now we got this next holiday that is coming up that goes by the name of Christmas. Honestly, I am not looking forward to it. I think back to how things were the year before at this time, all the promises made, and all the things that were supposed to happen that never did; it kills my Christmas spirit. There was only one thing I wanted last year and it is the same thing I want this year. I know you very likely aren't reading this, but that doesn't change a thing. I have my grandma and my father trying to get me to tell them some things I want for Christmas. They can't seem to accept the fact that there isn't anything I want. I keep being pressured to tell them something. So, as I write this I am currently blasting Kpop and head desking over something to tell them. I really never have looked forward to Christmas in years and years. More so any more since I have to go to my father's house. Which, is really the only time of the year I ever do go there. I'd be happy if I never had to see that place again.

Wow, that is a bit gloomy for this blog, eh?

I got some Christmas shopping I have to do yet. Have about maybe six people to buy for this year and no money to do it on. Cheers for being broke, right? Haha. I need to round up ideas from these people too.

The last few nights have been pretty cool. Generally I don't ever talk or participate in the Skype conferences. My bro and I got started one night and now it seems like we are the life of Skype days. Haha. DuAce bromance has been working it. (That feels really awkward to write.) We might have a Facebook debut for everyone that is interested. Just started on things last night and it is pretty plain so far. We are sorta looking for someone who would want to be amazingly awesome and draw D and myself and someone to do up a little logo for us. So, if anyone out there is reading and good with the drawing and paintshop skills, leave me a comment. DuAce will love you much.

To close this one out I am looking for someone to draw/photoshop a logo for DuAce

and

How are you going to be spending your Christmas? What do you wish for?

Take care everyone.